Fairytales are real!

I recently attended our Foundation’s (www.ffetc.co.uk) annual conference where Gerry Pyves (www.gerrypyves.com) gave us a very illuminating workshop about how fairytales could be used to access our unconscious narrative. This was satisfyingly validating for those of us who are practicing Emotional Therapeutic Counsellors in a number of striking ways.

Firstly, Gerry spoke about the power of the unconscious and how much it drives and dictates our conscious – or apparently conscious! – choices. Many recent studies in Neuroscience have amply demonstrated this to be fact. (see The Social Animal by David Brookes). Gerry had an image which was very telling: it showed the adult being chained and led still by the inner child. In other words, buried deep in the mind of our adult self is that wounded inner child who is still dictating how our life script runs. Gerry is a transactional analyst but has drawn a lot upon Eric Berne’s ideas in his famous book ‘The Games People Play’ and upon Jung’s notions of the collective unconscious with its powerful array of archetypes.

As Gerry underlined, from the modern investigations of neuroscience, it is certainly not a case of ‘I think, therefore I am’ – it is much more a case of ‘I feel, therefore I am. This is what every Emotional Therapeutic Counsellor is very aware of – how much our underlying emotions impact upon our day to day life. As far as Gerry is concerned, that is why the language of fairytales, with their familiar themes and archetypes, is so very valuable as a means of communicating with that part of ourselves which is still struggling with past conditioning.

Gerry stated that fairytales were a way to speak to that unconscious self directly; in effect it is sending a new message in a bottle to a very archaic part of the Self. In order to promote change for the adult self, we need to speak in the fairytale language that our deeply buried inner child dictator might understand and resonate with. Gerry has been using fairytales in a therapeutic setting with both individual clients and groups successfully for over twenty years. His talk and workshop gave a valuable insight into how fairytales can be employed to help the adult to embrace a new threshold of change beyond the conditioning of the past. He provided us with another valuable tool to draw upon in the therapeutic process. I would recommend going to his web site if any readers wish to know more about this approach.

Theta Healing

I learnt this technique from a friend and I have found it very useful and helpful. Basically, it involves using kinesiology to establish yes/no responses. Then when negative beliefs arise, we can, through will and intention, remove them from our energy systems and thinking. I felt the effects of using this technique and it has felt powerful and effective. However, it will only be effective for those who might be open to trying something a bit different. Ultimately, it is only our willingness to change which will result in our own transformation.

The Inner Child

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” Pablo Picasso

By connecting with the inner child, by validating our inner child’s feelings and experiences, by listening to his/her needs and desires, we put ourselves more in touch with our source and allow ourselves to step into the flow of life and being. As adults, we often forget how to play, how to truly enjoy ourselves with the wholeness of expression we enjoyed as a child, losing ourselves in the simplicity of being. Getting in touch with our inner child helps us to remember who we are, helps us to free our authentic inner voice, and thereby liberates us from our own conditioning and the constructs which keep us muffled, bound and imprisoned.

“We nurture our creativity when we release our inner child. Let it run and roam free. It will take you on a brighter journey.” Serina Hartwell

“Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.” Paulo Coelho

Fear – ‘There is no illusion greater than fear’ Lao Tsz

‘Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.’ W.Clement Stone

Fear creates blocks in our lives and in our energy flow. However, it is natural to have some fears, to feel fear, walking around in our physical, vulnerable body suits, as we do! Problems arise when our fear is pervasive, continual or so deeply held and suppressed it may show up in the form of aggression, of isolation, of addiction and so on and so forth. The first step is in identifying exactly what our fear is and where we might be holding patterns of conditioning that have become detrimental to our development and/or well-being. After this, we can employ strategies to help us deal with and overcome or resolve the fear. It may take time. We may need help to do this.

‘If you are in pain by external things, it is not they that disturb you but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.’ Marcus Aurelius

Anger and other difficult emotions

Some one I met recently was speaking enthusiastically about Michael Brown. She recommended him to me and encouraged me to look him up. I read a bit about him and then watched a one hour documentary where he spoke about ‘The Presence Process’. Michael Brown wrote the book, ‘The Presence Process’ over 7 years ago. Since then, he has facilitated many, many people to access what he calls ‘inner technology’ in order to release the blocks they have so they can live a more successful, fulfilled life.

I was highly gratified when he mirrored through his own understanding, what we at the Foundation for Emotional Therapeutic Counselling know to be true – namely, that unless we are able to look at and release the underlying emotions around any trauma we might be holding on to, we will not be able to fully heal that trauma. He also stated that if we’re holding onto anger, either by blaming others or turning it on ourselves, we will block the flow of abundance and this will be reflected in the circumstances of our lives. He asserted that suppressed anger will result in depression (or guilt, in the Foundation’s understanding) which is a way of dealing with difficult, unacceptable feelings and will push them into the unconscious. It was very gratifying to find that Michael Brown, who has achieved great success through his ‘Presence Process’, was basically endorsing the approach that we use at the Foundation for Emotional Therapeutic Counselling!

The Self

I was with a friend recently who asserted that the most important relationship we have is our relationship with ourselves. I found these quotes on the subject and think they are both great.

‘All significant battles are waged within the self.’ Sheldon Kopp

‘That I feed the hungry, forgive an insult, and love my enemy – these are great virtues. But what if I should discover that the poorest of beggars and most impudent of offenders are all within me, and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness; that I myself am the enemy who must be loved – what then?’ C.G.Jung

When we live from the egoic self, we learn to feel bad and self-blaming for the difficult feelings that we harbour – anger, jealousy, hatred – so we bury them and project them on to someone else. We also suppress them because we fear that if we let them out, they will damage those around us and cause others to shun and reject us. We lose great energy by hiding this part of ourselves because it takes a lot of energy to hold these things at bay and bury them so we don’t have to own them.

This is why it is so important that we begin to look at our own murky depths and by so doing, liberate ourselves from that which has formed us in the past. We begin with ourselves. We need to give ourselves compassion. We need to start to like ourselves at least, if we cannot love ourselves. If the liking is difficult, then we need to look for aspects which we like. The harder this is, the more this is an indication that we have found our most valuable beginning in getting our life back on track. It begins with the Self, it begins with that courageous step in recognising that we just might need some help here. It begins with finding enough self-care within ourselves to think that such a journey might be worthwhile. It is the single most important journey any human being can make.

Judgements and the Art of Self-Forgiveness

I like this quote by Gita Bellin:

‘Every issue, belief, attitude or assumption is precisely the issue that stands between you and your relationship to another human being; and between you and yourself.’

We make judgements all the time in our lives. Sometimes these judgements are pragmatic and necessary; often they are a product of our upbringing and what society imposes upon us. We can’t stop ourselves from making these judgements for they are usually instantaneous and appear to be instinctive. However, any judgements we make about others or about ourselves – most poignantly about ourselves – come from our conditioning and the views and attitudes imposed upon us by our culture or our family context. These kinds of judgements result in separation – a distancing of ourselves from the perceived other; or from ourselves and our authentic Self. We are constantly in the business of othering others and we judge ourselves accordingly as either inferior or superior to the object of our judgement. Unless it is ourselves that we are judging, in which case, we hold up an image of unattainable perfection and in the process constantly belittle and reduce ourselves.

Charles Eisenstein in his profound and beautiful book, ‘The more beautiful world our hearts know is possible’ writes about this world of separation created through this ingrained habit of distancing ourselves from other people through the process of ‘othering’ them. If someone is of a different class, race, creed, gender, political party, age etc etc – we see them as removed from our own experience and therefore harbour within us, albeit unconsciously some grain of mistrust. Whilst we cannot ever truly know another’s experience, we can always perceive their humanity, and through recognising this perhaps we can begin to connect with other people from the heart, instead of jumping immediately into our mind’s intellectual reasoning.

If we cannot stop ourselves from judging others, what can we do? We can begin to become aware of these judgements. The more aware we become of our inner processes, the more we can begin to reclaim our rightful sovereignty over our state of being. And the thing is to be very gentle with ourselves. Often, we are our own harshest critics. The best thing we can do when a judgement pops up, is to acknowledge it is there. Don’t judge the judgement! When we are able to see our mind’s process at work and then FORGIVE ourselves for holding on to negative views about others, most especially, about OURSELVES, then we may discover that our inner state then becomes more fluid and mutable. What appeared to have been written in stone, we may discover, also has the ability to shift like sand. Perhaps this sounds scary but it is only a letting go of old stuff that may be only serving to confine and constrain us. The key here is just to cultivate awareness without judgement – when we can manage to do this, we are in the business of establishing a modicum of self-compassion. And it is this, which will ultimately lead to our own liberation from SMOG – the should’s, the must’s, the ought to’s and the got to’s. Instead we can begin to live from our own centre of Truth and re-discover ourselves as human beings.

I am very fond of the ‘Cosmic handshake’ which was given to me to share during my South African adventures. I can’t show the wonderful gesture but I can reiterate the words of greeting – ‘In La Kesh’ which means in Tibetan – I see myself in you. In other words, in this greeting we recognise our common humanity and establish the mutual ground of recognition and respect as a starting point! I like this very much and do my best to introduce it when a good moment arises!

P.S. I am not a linguist. I have taken the words ‘In La Kesh’ on faith, enjoying the intent too much to let any element of correctitude stop me from using this greeting when the appropriate occasion arises. If those more learned than I, point out that the words are incorrect or the meaning not entirely accurate, I shan’t mind at all. (I’m not sure I’ll stop using it though, as I’m a great believer in creative expression and would merely reclassify the greeting and the handshake as a great example of this!)

Shame and Guilt

According to David Viscott, ‘Guilt is a feeling of being unworthy, bad, evil, remorseful, self-blaming, self-hating. Guilt is the result of holding anger in so long that it turns against you.’ Common sources of guilt include: failure; not being perfect; not being able to solve the problems of others; not functioning/behaving as others expect; failing to sacrifice your own needs for others’ wants; failing to make others feel good about themselves; feeling anger or hatred or wanting revenge.

From the Foundation’s perspective there are two sorts of guilt. One is legitimate guilt where we have knowingly done something to harm another. The second is illogical and it comes from an outside source. It can often arise as a result of our own conditioning, where we have taken on beliefs, ideas or opinions from our parents or cultural context. Guilt prevents us from feeling angry so it is important to examine where our guilt has come from, in order to release ourselves from carrying any unnecessary emotional burdens.

Shame, though similar to guilt, is a deeper and more self-denying complex. Shame is a self to self issue. It could be said that whereas guilt is a betrayal of what others feel or believe or say about you. Shame is a betrayal of what you feel or believe about yourself. You can offer yourself no excuses. There is a sense of letting oneself down, of falling short of an ideal, or of what is expected. This can come about by: what you do or have done to others; what you do or have done to yourself; or even what someone/others have done to you.

Gershen Kaufman states that it is ‘a sickness of the soul, it is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt in humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with challenge.’ Shame not only separates us from ourselves but also isolates us from others. It has been described as one of the ‘most disturbing inner states which denies full life’. It is easy to see from this how corrosive these feelings can be and how inhibiting of our life flow. Both guilt and shame can serve the purpose of stifling our authentic self so that we come to live according to the dictates of others, rather from the centre of our own wisdom and understanding. It is an important step in the Self’s recovery to face, deal with and resolve these feelings so that we can begin to live our life from our own truth and follow our life’s path; the calling that lies in our heart. For as Shakespeare said ‘To thine ownself be true, and thence it follows, as Night to the Day, thou canst not be false to any man.’

To anyone interested in this subject I would highly recommend the book – Shame: The Power of Caring by Gershen Kaufman.

Suicide and dealing with its impact

I had the opportunity to attend an ASIST course in Birmingham two years ago when I was doing voluntary counselling work for Suicide Crisis in Cheltenham. ASIST – as I have detailed elsewhere – stands for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training, and was an invaluable extension to the training I’d already had in this area. I had the chance to put these skills into practice during my time with Suicide Crisis.

Working with this organisation provided me with a real insight into the great need for the kind of service that Suicide Crisis offers. The founder of Suicide Crisis in Cheltenham, Joy Hibbins, is a lady of deep compassion, selfless regard for the care of others and an indomitable drive to do as much as she can to offer support to those who are feeling suicidal. Recently, Joy has brought out a book titled ‘Suicide Crisis: The Story. The book can be bought from Amazon and all proceeds go to support the service that Joy founded single-handedly and is now the director of. In this book Joy details her own suicide crisis and her subsequent journey through mental health crisis services. Nobody believed that an individual, in so recent a recovery from her own suicidal attempt, had the strength and stamina to launch the Suicide Crisis Centre which is now established. Joy’s story shows how, not only can one recover from this dark edge of self-annihilation, one can become transformed and discover an inner power that can carry one into hitherto unexplored and unexpected directions!

It is a sad fact that the Crisis Centre is now receiving phone calls from people all over the country. It highlights the great need there is for people to be able to talk and have access to a service or someone who might be able to help them gain a better perspective in times of crisis. ASIST provided us with a framework approach when encountering or dealing with a person who might be at risk of suicide. The Suicide Intervention Model (SIM) has three phases: understanding and connecting; looking at the risk concerns; followed by the establishment of a safe-plan and/or contract.

It’s important to try and establish a human connection with the suicidal person. To help them feel understood, to let them know they are not alone. If the person is at risk it is important to ask the question – are they having thoughts of suicide? Do they have a plan? How well-prepared are they? On a scale of 1-10 how would they rate the pain they are feeling? What, if any, resources do they have to draw on? These questions allow you to gather information on the person’s state. They also flag up to the person at risk that now someone else knows their crisis; they are not alone. The next steps involve trying to keep the person safe by linking them to people, services who/which might be able to provide the kind of short-term support the person need at that moment. It’s important to try to ease the emotional pain that is making them feel so desperate and alone. It would also be valuable to discover something about this individual – who are they? What are the positives there to draw on?

However, it remains a fact that in the UK suicide is one of the major causes of death – 6000 people kill themselves every year; 1 every 90 minutes. This statistic is on the rise. And what of those who have suffered bereavement as a result of suicide? Often they are left numb with shock, floundering with feelings of guilt, anger, shame, denial and more. There is often a need within families to apportion blame which can lead to hostility and relationship breakdown on top of the pain of losing someone close to them. There is often a lack of emotional support and practical assistance given to families who have experienced loss in this way. I am aware, through personal experience, how devastating, long-reaching and deep the effects of suicide can be. It is a journey in itself recovering from this kind of trauma. The message is the same, as for those who are currently suffering from suicidal feelings, you don’t have to do it alone. You can reach out for help, find ways of dealing with and healing the pain, and move forwards empowered and renewed – as Joy Hibbins’s story so amply and heroically demonstrates!

ASIST – Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training

I recently received an email from Caron, one of the trainers on the ASIST course I did two years ago. In the email it flagged up the fact that 75% of suicides comprise of men between the ages of 17 and 55 years of age. This is a tragic statistic and symptomatic of the kind of cultural context which demands of men a terrible disconnection from their feeling state because ‘big boys don’t cry’ do they? Because to be seen to be feeling, filled with emotion, denotes the kind of weakness that we women are renowned for. It may also be because if men allow more potentially destructive emotions – such as anger – to be released, they may lose control and harm those they love or those who don’t deserve to be hurt. Look at the epitome of British stoicism couched in the well-worn phrase of keeping a stiff upper lip!

It is obvious that over the past 50 years our traditional stereotypes and the conventions of how to be as both men and women in society, have been and are being repeatedly challenged. This is as it should be; but it does not mean that this process of change which we are undergoing, both individually and collectively, is going to be easy. Change never is. We resist it, feel threatened by it, become insecure and uncertain in the face of it. We develop all sorts of strategies to protect ourselves in midst of this uncertainty. We want to escape our confusion and the discomfort this causes – so we may turn to alcohol, to computer games, to extreme sports, to drugs, to pornography in order to lose ourselves and avoid having to face or deal with this fog that threatens to overwhelm us. These strategies may well lead to feelings of disempowerment, guilt, shame, depression, loss of self-esteem, loss of confidence and so on and so forth, creating a downward spiral where the individual, at times of crisis, may feel that the only way out, the only relief that can be had, is through death, through taking that fatal final step and as Shakespeare put it, ‘taking arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing them, end it’.

The 75% statistic is a sad reflection on the constraints of conditioning that have been imposed on men for generations. So often, women are portrayed as the victims, as often in reality, women do end up becoming victims of this post-patriarchal era which is still hanging on by its hobnail boot laces. However, we forget that in this old ideology men are also the victims. They have been cast in the role of breadwinner, go-getter, wage-earner, hunter – that has always been the central pillar which has defined their worth as men, protectors, providers. If they cannot fulfil this ancient archetype, this traditional role, how can they hold their heads up in a society that is still so driven by status symbols, by the power invested in money and ownership of property rather than any intrinsic quality of character? These issues are of central importance and require sensitive and considerate discussion so that awareness and understanding might allow some wisdom and compassion to support men in their journey to re-negotiate what it is to be a man – and a British man of whatever origin – in the 21st century.

It needs to be acknowledged that it is still hard for young men, and especially mature men, to share their feelings, to reach out for help when they feel they are drowning in that ‘sea of troubles.’ This is the value of counselling. This is the gift that counselling has the capacity to offer – which is the gift of the Self to the wounded self. There can be no gift greater than this – for each of us finally to recognise our own value, our own worth and to be able to appreciate ourselves with all our frailties, our strengths, our qualities. Once we can do this, once we can learn to hold ourselves with compassion, then the rest of our world transforms and we treat others accordingly, we find our path, re-discover our joy in being … Hence, I would say to all men out there, please don’t bottle up your troubles, don’t fall into despair so that you feel the only option left is to take your own life. Talk, take that courageous step of allowing another to offer support, the kind of support which will change your life for the better … you deserve it; don’t waste time, the time to act is NOW!

For those who are struggling to make ends meet the Foundation for Emotional Therapeutic Counselling offers financial assistance which can be discussed at the initial meeting with any counsellor who is a member of the Foundation.