I recently received an email from Caron, one of the trainers on the ASIST course I did two years ago. In the email it flagged up the fact that 75% of suicides comprise of men between the ages of 17 and 55 years of age. This is a tragic statistic and symptomatic of the kind of cultural context which demands of men a terrible disconnection from their feeling state because ‘big boys don’t cry’ do they? Because to be seen to be feeling, filled with emotion, denotes the kind of weakness that we women are renowned for. It may also be because if men allow more potentially destructive emotions – such as anger – to be released, they may lose control and harm those they love or those who don’t deserve to be hurt. Look at the epitome of British stoicism couched in the well-worn phrase of keeping a stiff upper lip!
It is obvious that over the past 50 years our traditional stereotypes and the conventions of how to be as both men and women in society, have been and are being repeatedly challenged. This is as it should be; but it does not mean that this process of change which we are undergoing, both individually and collectively, is going to be easy. Change never is. We resist it, feel threatened by it, become insecure and uncertain in the face of it. We develop all sorts of strategies to protect ourselves in midst of this uncertainty. We want to escape our confusion and the discomfort this causes – so we may turn to alcohol, to computer games, to extreme sports, to drugs, to pornography in order to lose ourselves and avoid having to face or deal with this fog that threatens to overwhelm us. These strategies may well lead to feelings of disempowerment, guilt, shame, depression, loss of self-esteem, loss of confidence and so on and so forth, creating a downward spiral where the individual, at times of crisis, may feel that the only way out, the only relief that can be had, is through death, through taking that fatal final step and as Shakespeare put it, ‘taking arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing them, end it’.
The 75% statistic is a sad reflection on the constraints of conditioning that have been imposed on men for generations. So often, women are portrayed as the victims, as often in reality, women do end up becoming victims of this post-patriarchal era which is still hanging on by its hobnail boot laces. However, we forget that in this old ideology men are also the victims. They have been cast in the role of breadwinner, go-getter, wage-earner, hunter – that has always been the central pillar which has defined their worth as men, protectors, providers. If they cannot fulfil this ancient archetype, this traditional role, how can they hold their heads up in a society that is still so driven by status symbols, by the power invested in money and ownership of property rather than any intrinsic quality of character? These issues are of central importance and require sensitive and considerate discussion so that awareness and understanding might allow some wisdom and compassion to support men in their journey to re-negotiate what it is to be a man – and a British man of whatever origin – in the 21st century.
It needs to be acknowledged that it is still hard for young men, and especially mature men, to share their feelings, to reach out for help when they feel they are drowning in that ‘sea of troubles.’ This is the value of counselling. This is the gift that counselling has the capacity to offer – which is the gift of the Self to the wounded self. There can be no gift greater than this – for each of us finally to recognise our own value, our own worth and to be able to appreciate ourselves with all our frailties, our strengths, our qualities. Once we can do this, once we can learn to hold ourselves with compassion, then the rest of our world transforms and we treat others accordingly, we find our path, re-discover our joy in being … Hence, I would say to all men out there, please don’t bottle up your troubles, don’t fall into despair so that you feel the only option left is to take your own life. Talk, take that courageous step of allowing another to offer support, the kind of support which will change your life for the better … you deserve it; don’t waste time, the time to act is NOW!
For those who are struggling to make ends meet the Foundation for Emotional Therapeutic Counselling offers financial assistance which can be discussed at the initial meeting with any counsellor who is a member of the Foundation.
Emotional Therapeutic Counselling - Stroud 